Captain Cannon #9

This week, Captain Cannon gets basic about being advanced.

cannon_circle2Greetings Sauer-Citizens of Sauerworld,

I have been absent for too long, and for that I must apologize to each and every one of you (except Jupiter Man). As I say in my self-improvement program, Grease Your Cannon: Achieving Success, Power, and Prosperity, “eighty percent of life is just showing up – well, that’s true for you anyway. For me it’s closer to ten or twenty, and the rest is raw, steely-rodded Cannon power.”

As the greatest hero on Sauerworld and symbol of all that is manly and good, I cannot slack in my duties. Captain Cannon knows that you, the citizen – the normal, every-day, weak and helpless citizen – need someone to set an example, to look up to, to admire with awe, to set fire to your deepest fantasies with his powerful Cannon.

Unfortunately your idol, Captain Cannon, got caught up in one of those boring “parallel worlds” plotlines that always take months to finish and meanwhile all the readers are rolling their eyes and waiting to get back to the good stuff. I ordered my agent to get me out of it, but it involved half of my publisher’s heroes and they’d been planning the silly thing for a year. Even the most powerful hero must sometimes humbly accept the demands of others, so I fired my agent and fought for justice and goodness in a strange world that its small-chested inhabitants called “Earth.”

Let’s go to your letters.

Dear Captain Cannon,

I am an adventurous soul, I always like to try new things and keep an open mind. But when I open my laptop to play Sauerbraten, I am surrounded by basic bitches. The perpetual onslaught of one ectf forge game after another, and the stubbornness to think outside the box. Is there a cure for all of this basicness? I fear that one day this pandemic will overwhelm me, and I too, will become a basic bitch.


Dear Frosty,

Is that really you? Hearing your name sure brings back some great memories. Like that time we were on the beach and you were wearing that outfit, you know the one I mean. Why, you were the hottest little sidekick that ever…

I’ve just been informed that you are not that Frosty, and that Frosty never wishes to see or speak to me again. Nothing to worry about, citizens, I assure you that no charges were filed. Oh well, as those French clans say, c’est la vie! Although when they say it they usually mean it like, “that’s life, I give up,” but Captain Cannon means, “I’m Captain Cannon and my life is awesome even without you and your bikini made entirely out of ice, Frosty.”

I gave your question some thought in between signing autographs at this year’s CannonCon. It’s a great event – this year they had a panel that spent the whole session discussing the flawless proportions and incredible tightness of my buttocks. My first thought is that if you look half as good as the other Frosty in a white leotard, you’ll never have to worry about being anything “basic”.

Captain Cannon producing memorabilia to sign
Captain Cannon producing memorabilia for his legion of fans

However, you ask an important question. We all worry about our image, and about being successful. So your first step is a no-brainer. Project an image of success by playing Sauerbraten with Captain Cannon as your avatar, in case you’ve forgotten to do this already for whatever reason, get it together for crying out loud.

Of course I know there’s more to it than that. People ask me all the time, “Captain Cannon, you’re an incredible hero, you’ve got the body of a deity, the strength and power granted only to you by the mystical Great Cannon, an animal magnetism that is conjuring up my most raw and lurid fantasies, a brilliant sense of style and panache that’s way better than that preening jackass Jupiter Man. I look up to you like no one else. You’re my idol, Captain Cannon. How do you stay humble?”

That’s a great question. Honestly, I have the emotional connection with those less than myself to imagine what it might be like to lack self-confidence.

That is why I created my revolutionary self-improvement program, Grease Your Cannon: Achieving Success, Power, and Prosperity. In this 6-CD set, I’ll guide you on a journey that will take you from being weak, small, and afraid to being still pretty weak, somewhat larger, generally mostly afraid because let’s face it, this is a scary world and you’re no Captain Cannon, and more successful. All your modest dreams and limited possibilities will be open to you, normal-person citizen, once you’ve completed my life-changing program. When they see the new you, your fellow weaklings will be marginally impressed in a way that reminds them for just a fraction of a second of the awe in which they hold me, Captain Cannon.

To order, send check or money order for $199 plus $12 handling to:

Grease Your Cannon
Secret Fortress of Captain Cannon Special Time
310 Sycamore Street
Branson, MO 65615

Good luck, Frosty, and may the mystical Great Cannon guide your balls true!

Captain Cannon

Do you have a question for Captain Cannon? Submit it here:

Contact Form

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *