Dear Captain Cannon # 7 – Valentine’s Edition

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Hello Sauerworld! Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day so I’ve decided to spread the love and offer some romantic advice to a couple of love-sick snouts. Let’s hope they get lucky tomorrow… and I’m not talking about lag shots.


 

Dear Cpt. Cannon!

I have a crush on this girl, and it’s tough for me to ask her out/flirt. Everytime I compliment her, she says it’s “cute” or some other crap like that. Maybe that’s due to the fact that I’m a girl too. Do you have any advice for me to spend a good night full of fun with her?

Yours sincerely,

Some Random Primate

 

Dear Primate,

Well it doesn’t surprise me that you’re smitten with anyone in Sauerbraten, regardless of sex. When trying to pick up that hot babe, the most important thing to remember is that all you need to do is be the best person that you can be. And if that’s not possible, which is probably the case since we spend all of our time playing a video game and have absolutely no ambitions in the real world, I’ve come up with some pro-tips that should really up your game:

A Foreign Accent – Accents can make “How do I improve my fps?” sound sexy. Just ask one of our lovely Canadian players and see just how much it turns you on. Irresistible! I’d recommend getting on mumble and try to work on your new accent!

Frag Talent –  That girl you never really noticed before blows everyone away at mixed effic ctf games. That guy you never thought sounded cute turns out to be an amazing fragger. Really anyone who ever gets over 75 kills in a single public game. Frag talent is maybe the biggest aphrodisiac there is, so if you’ve got any, use it to your advantage.

Rocket Spam – Is it a power thing? A rocket fetish that we seem to uniformly have as a community? Either way, there’s something about someone spamming those rockets that makes us think “power.” And power is sexy. Although grenade spamming is “power” too, but you don’t see a lot of those guys getting laid much.

vaQ Confidence – Duh. vaQ confidence is hypnotic: even if someone in that clan is physically unappealing, their “vaQ gene” becomes instantly attractive when they’re self-assured, and even a little cocky. So, yeah, if you want to get laid just join vaQ!

And if none of these work, there’s always pick-up lines. Here are a few that that will definitely get you a date, regardless of where you are:

At the bar: “I see you’ve got some tequila there, does that mean you’re willing to give me a shot?”

In a bookstore: “I see that you can read. That shit’s hot.”

At Walt Disney World: “I’m the eighth dwarf, Sexy.”

At the market: “Do you know which aisle the edible underwear is in? Oh wait, wrong store!”

At your favorite restaurant: “My burger was great, but YOU are rare and well-done at the same time.”

Best of luck,

Captain Love


Dear Cpt. Cannon!

There is a sauer player I have a big crush on. I dont wanna say much about it and give away my identity, but I see them a lot in irc. Sometimes when we chat I get butterflies inside me. How should i tell them that I’m interested?

Sincerely,

Secret Admirer

 

Dear Admirer,

Ohhh, love is in the air! I think you should tell him / her how you feel. For real. There’s nothing better than a big fat bowl of heaping love to take the rage away. Served best with a heaping teaspoon of hearts and giggles, love is better than a 200 frag duel! Well almost.

Unless you’re married, engaged, betrothed and don’t have like two heads or something, it can’t hurt to tell him / her how you feel. Just grow some balls and be a man ffs. But before you do I would just strongly suggest that you stop eating butterflies  because it could make your first kiss a tad bit awkward. Seriously… swapping gum is one thing, but I’d really draw the line at butterflies.

Umm, actually, scratch that! What am I thinking… that’s a terrible idea! EVERYONE LOVES BUTTERFLIES! Don’t ever listen to a single thing I say from here on out. Seriously.

XOXOXO,

Captain Love

 


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3 thoughts to “Dear Captain Cannon # 7 – Valentine’s Edition”

  1. “Although grenade spamming is “power” too, but you don’t see a lot of those guys getting laid much.”

    This is true. I am very virginious.

  2. “Just grow some balls and be a man ffs”

    dat awkward moment when you notice the anonymous player was a female…

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